Every mountain we will climb, every ray of hope we shine, every blessing left behind is only by his grace…
You’re just like Santa Claus… Drinking milk, eating cookies, handing out gifts.
It is Sunday night. My family and I are sitting around the dining room table, all trying to look busy, whilst really just absorbed in our thoughts. Dwelling on long forgotten dreams, perhaps? Or happy aspirations? You would think that being told you only have a few more weeks would really put a rush on things. Yet, another weekend has come and gone with relative ease. We attended service last night, but otherwise we spent the vast majority of the weekend just hanging out with each other. Friends and family came and went, but when all is said and done, here we are, the 4 of us, alone together again.
Everyone keeps asking me what I’ll miss, if I have any regrets, any last wishes or adventures to cross off the bucket list. Is there anyone you want to see? Anyone you’d like to say goodbye to? What about places to visit? Would you like to go somewhere? No. “This is it!” I want to scream. It’s these quiet little moments spent with those I love the most that matter. This is what brings me calm, what brings me peace. I know without a doubt that it’s God who supplies all of my faith and all this strength, though even now I cannot wrap my head around it all. I certainly never thought I’d be so excited. Excited?! Excited.
When I think about leaving my family here, my heart hurts so much that I feel sick, but at the same time, I am so incredibly calm, so happy. I know that God will bring my family through this, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that I will see them again. Do you have any idea how amazing that feels? Just seeing the words on the screen gives me chills. He created me, knit me together in my mama’s womb. He chose me, for a purpose so much greater than I ever could fathom. And He loves me. ME! A thousand times I’ve failed, still His mercy remains… Now this is love. Crazy, amazing, no-fear-cos-I know-where-I’m-going-kinda-love. And damn, it feels GOOD.
The time has come
The time has come, my little friends, to talk of other things. Of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of cabbages and kings…
Well, at least we can say I have excellent timing. It has been 2 months to the day of my last post, which apparently did not even register as “real” to the majority of people who have not hesitated to let me know, haha. My apologies. I was so caught up in living my life that I barely made time for documenting, much less evaluating it.
And here we are. Months, which once seemed an eternity, fell away like grains of sand. Things that mattered have no meaning. Even people came and went. All in the blink of an eye.
It appears that the last time I actually wrote anything of substance here was when I initially signed up for hospice. Without getting into too many details now, I should note that since then, I not only quit said hospice, but, as of this past Thursday, re-enrolled in another. And there were clearly many milestones in between.
On that note, however, I’m going to say good night, sleep tight, and I shall return to write some more in the morning light.
Well, as usual, I didn’t realize quite how much time had passed since my last post. I guess once a month is better than not at all. For someone who’s unemployed, I’ve been rather busy.
I finished up my second round of radiation about a month ago. It wasn’t anything to celebrate, however. I finished only because I couldn’t take anymore. My throat and esophagus were so burned from the radiation that not was I not eating and throwing up the bloody lining, but it got to the point that I was unable to even swallow. So I checked myself in for another lovely stint at Southwest Hospital, where I was simultaneously hooked up to about half a dozen different IVs providing everything from water, vitamins and fats to red and white blood cells and platelets.
We’ve spent just about every day, Monday through Friday, sometimes even Saturday and Sunday, in the hospital since January 1st. After the last inpatient visit, I thought I would get a break. Sure, I’d still have to go for blood draws, labs and possible transfusions twice a week, but that seemed like nothing compared to our usual drill. I spoke too soon.
This past weekend, I wasn’t feeling too hot and developed what I thought was a heat (no pun intended) rash on my face and scalp. Wouldn’t that have been nice… Not only am I completely bald but, as it turns out, I have shingles. That’s right, shingles - also known as adult chickenpox. I have blisters all over the right side of my head and my eye is swollen almost completely shut. I always wanted to be an author, preferably of non-fiction. Now I’ll have to take up fiction writing since I look like some deformed, evil villain from a comic book. Though come to think of it, that’ll now be non-fiction for me.
I was so looking forward to being done with radiation. I’ve been dying to go to the beach for a little r & r. The doctor said it would take about a month for the after effects, and then I’d be free to leave. I was just starting to plan a getaway. Now this… From what I’ve been told, shingles takes anywhere from 2-4 weeks to clear up, and total recovery can take up to months, if not longer. Some people experience pain for the rest of their lives! Fantastic.
On the bright side, I never thought of myself as a tough cookie, but I have to say, if I make it through all of this, I’ll be the toughest broad I know.